Thursday, February 9, 2012

My Wyatt

My son's name is Wyatt.

From time to time I will write about him because so much of him affects everything about me.

My baby was born 14 weeks early - this means we missed the ENTIRE third trimester.  Men might not know truly what that means but women, especially mothers, will understand instantly the hell I suddenly found myself in.  We spent more time in the hospital then I ever want to remember.  But I do, every single day I do.

I never really knew what we would be facing down the line.  I always made decisions based upon the fact that I wanted to know what the long term effects of drugs were on him that we were using or different machines but I think at some point I was so busy fighting to make sure that everyone (doctors, nurses, therapists) understood that I would FORCE them to do their job to more then the best of their ability I didn't stop and think.

He will be three years old in 34 days.  In 10 days it will make 2 years since we left the hospital.

Now I have to truly look to the future and less to the past.

My little boy has feeding problems, swallowing problems, major sensory issues, global developmental delays, a brain that is only half the size it is supposed to be... and of course the newest diagnosis:

My son has Autism.

I knew he did.  I think if I asked any parents of children with Autism they would tell me the same thing:  they knew, long before the doctors or therapists wanted to confirm it, they KNEW.

I had to fight with the doctors to finally diagnosis it.  They wanted to wait.  Oh they couldn't possibly do it before he was 3 years old.  Oh it could be all of these others things.

I knew.

I blame myself even though 'all the books' tell you not to.  I wonder if I had been able to keep him longer inside if it would have prevented this.  I mean he wasn't done 'baking' just yet.  I will always wonder 'what If'.

I have changed my future goals more before of him.  I have changed my world to make sure that I can be there completely for him because it is just he and I.

Some days are harder then others.  Some days I cry while he naps because I don't know what to do for him.  Other days I just hold him while he squeezes me tight and I whisper into his ear how much I love him.

I am not sure what kind of day today will be but I have hope that I will make it through the day without too many tears.


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  2. Of course you knew. You are a mother and you are so finely tuned to your son's needs that no one else needs to give your son's issues a name - just understanding and help.

    I hope that you have a strong support system from family and friends. Although I am sure his love that he gives back to you helps you through each day, you also need people who can offer a kind word and an ear to listen when you need to talk.

    I would guess that your writing is a strong outlet for your pain, fears and hopes. You express it all so clearly and very movingly. I hope that you will continue to share your life experiences with your son in your writing as I believe that it will not only help you, but others who may be experiencing their own journey with a child with autism or other special needs.

  3. Heather, I'll comment on the lovely content in the future. For now, you'll just have to settle for the technical feedback. :-)

    I love that you've already established a theme for this blog (though you can certainly diverge in the future). And in doing so you've also already defined your audience--the millions of parents raising a child with special needs. I immediately know who you are and what you have to say only moments after arriving here. Nice clean design!