My son's name is Wyatt.
From time to time I will write about him because so much of him affects everything about me.
My baby was born 14 weeks early - this means we missed the ENTIRE third trimester. Men might not know truly what that means but women, especially mothers, will understand instantly the hell I suddenly found myself in. We spent more time in the hospital then I ever want to remember. But I do, every single day I do.
I never really knew what we would be facing down the line. I always made decisions based upon the fact that I wanted to know what the long term effects of drugs were on him that we were using or different machines but I think at some point I was so busy fighting to make sure that everyone (doctors, nurses, therapists) understood that I would FORCE them to do their job to more then the best of their ability I didn't stop and think.
He will be three years old in 34 days. In 10 days it will make 2 years since we left the hospital.
Now I have to truly look to the future and less to the past.
My little boy has feeding problems, swallowing problems, major sensory issues, global developmental delays, a brain that is only half the size it is supposed to be... and of course the newest diagnosis:
My son has Autism.
I knew he did. I think if I asked any parents of children with Autism they would tell me the same thing: they knew, long before the doctors or therapists wanted to confirm it, they KNEW.
I had to fight with the doctors to finally diagnosis it. They wanted to wait. Oh they couldn't possibly do it before he was 3 years old. Oh it could be all of these others things.
I knew.
I blame myself even though 'all the books' tell you not to. I wonder if I had been able to keep him longer inside if it would have prevented this. I mean he wasn't done 'baking' just yet. I will always wonder 'what If'.
I have changed my future goals more before of him. I have changed my world to make sure that I can be there completely for him because it is just he and I.
Some days are harder then others. Some days I cry while he naps because I don't know what to do for him. Other days I just hold him while he squeezes me tight and I whisper into his ear how much I love him.
I am not sure what kind of day today will be but I have hope that I will make it through the day without too many tears.
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ReplyDeleteOf course you knew. You are a mother and you are so finely tuned to your son's needs that no one else needs to give your son's issues a name - just understanding and help.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you have a strong support system from family and friends. Although I am sure his love that he gives back to you helps you through each day, you also need people who can offer a kind word and an ear to listen when you need to talk.
I would guess that your writing is a strong outlet for your pain, fears and hopes. You express it all so clearly and very movingly. I hope that you will continue to share your life experiences with your son in your writing as I believe that it will not only help you, but others who may be experiencing their own journey with a child with autism or other special needs.
Heather, I'll comment on the lovely content in the future. For now, you'll just have to settle for the technical feedback. :-)
ReplyDeleteI love that you've already established a theme for this blog (though you can certainly diverge in the future). And in doing so you've also already defined your audience--the millions of parents raising a child with special needs. I immediately know who you are and what you have to say only moments after arriving here. Nice clean design!